


Of Wine and Wood

by peanuts_envy



Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Anal Sex, Body Worship, Bottom and Top Asterius, Cock Worship, Dildos, Love Confessions, M/M, Theseus asks Dionysus for a special boon, early in their relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:40:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29706939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peanuts_envy/pseuds/peanuts_envy
Summary: A new soul arrives in Elysium that is unlike the other shades--he is no warrior, no hero: just a shepherd from Lerna. Prosymnus and Dionysus' story takes both Elysium and Olympus by storm, as raunchy as it is romantic. Fig wood and skilled artisans are suddenly in high demand above and below the earth.Or: Theseus commissions a dildo
Relationships: Asterius | The Minotaur & Theseus (Hades Video Game), Asterius | The Minotaur/Theseus (Hades Video Game)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 117





	Of Wine and Wood

**Author's Note:**

> My brand is Soft n Tender, even with smut. Especially with smut. 
> 
> Also I really love tying my own fics together; this is set soon after [What Makes a Monster?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29367351/chapters/72140688), where Theseus seeks out Asterius n' starts to feel Feelings.

\---

Dionysus wept silently next to the lake Alcyonian, carving a length of fig wood with determination.

_Oh, Prosymnus._

He was just a mortal--a local shepherd--and had done what mortals did so easily: Prosymnus had died.

Dionysus wiped his eyes. _He had been alive mere days ago._

\---

Passage to the Underworld was always treacherous and this route particularly so: Lerna and its Alcyonian Lake had claimed the lives of many, the depths were impossible to swim across and the monstrous hydra awaited any who tried.

The shepherd was sympathetic to his plight and told Dionysus he could not only give him passage, but would offer one of his own lambs to the Lernean hydra--allowing Dionysus into the gates of the Underworld unharmed.

_'How could I ever repay such a kindness?'_

_Prosymnus smiled and dipped his head, clearly flushed._

_'You are a god, there is no need for reciprocity. I simply help you as I am able, Lord. I do not wish for material gain.'_

_Dionysus was deeply flattered and reconciled to somehow repay Prosymnus for his piety._

Prosymnus tried to focus on his rowing, on the task that should have had his full attention, but--

_Prosymnus had never seen a god this close before._

Dionysus was startlingly beautiful, intoxicating to simply gaze upon. Intricate tendrils of grapes were woven through his hair, though Prosymnus couldn't tell if they were real, or akin to the pomegranates that cursed Persephone. Or, if they were not cursed--just as forbidden.

The shepherd was a patron of the god Pan--and as he found out, Pan was a frequent consort of Dionysus. The God of Wine was more than happy to regale Prosymnus with tales of his and Pan's many adventures. Springtime was a particular favorite of the two gods and it seemed--at least to Prosymnus-- that the entirety of the season was spent frolicking and making love.

Dionysus was telling a raunchy tale involving several wood nymphs, Pan, and wine they had infused with honey and intoxicating herbs.

"A magical night," Dionysus mused dreamily. He was leaning over the side of the boat, drawing his fingers though the water in lazy circles.

Prosymnus had never heard of something so depraved, so debauched, so--

_Exciting._

_What if he could be repaid in a way such as that?_

"I have an idea for how you might show your thanks, Lord Dionysus."

Dionysus turned his gaze to Prosymnus, his violet-tinged eyes were sparkling. Prosymnus nearly asked if they could make love here, on the boat.

_'What if, when you returned--'_

\---

_And now he was dead_ , Dionysus thought, weeping anew. He would never be able to show Prosymnus the full splendor and ecstasy of his and Pan's woodland exploits.

He had been as handsome as he was pious: Prosymnus had dark curls and a beard he trimmed close that accentuated a sharp jaw underneath. He'd had deep brown eyes that belied a bright fire when Dionysus told him of his patron god's proclivities-- _he would have been such fun._

Dionysus could not--would not--accept this. He redoubled his efforts, carving the length of figwood into an approximation of Prosymnus' phallus.

_Prosymnus would have this. Dionysus would repay him for his selflessness, despite Prosymnus' unfortunate condition._

\---

Theseus swept a hand through his hair and gave himself a smile.

_Immaculate._

He was to greet the newest denizen of Elysium and wanted to look his best. It wasn't part of his job, but Theseus took it upon himself, regardless. Theseus would make himself known to every shade in Elysium-- _their Champion and king._

Asterius wasn't keen on the ritual and excused himself each time, though Theseus still asked. Today, Asterius told him that he would need to sharpen his axe. Theseus knew Asterius would always need to sharpen his axe. This, too, was a ritual.

The man's name was Prosymnus, a shepherd from Lerna.

Theseus had done his usual introduction and pleasantries, but Prosymnus seemed to be answering in a deliberately obtuse way. His evasiveness was starting to grate on Theseus' nerves, as he was no closer to answering his biggest question about the Lernean sheep-herder:

_Why are you here?_

By the shepherd's own admission, he was no hero and not a warrior, either.

_Then why?_

Theseus didn't stop the thought from becoming spoken.

"Why are you here?" Theseus asked, nearly demanding the answer.

_Who are you to walk these exalted halls?_

Prosymnus looked embarrassed by the question and was quiet. Theseus supposed he was thinking of a suitable answer but not an entirely truthful one.

"Dionysus sent me," he said simply.

Theseus watched him, expecting him to continue. He did not.

"That seems like a simple answer for such a remarkable feat, Prosymnus."

"You are not wrong," the shepherd agreed.

"How did you manage it?"

Prosymnus flushed; another long pause.

"I assisted Lord Dionysus in crossing lake Alcyonian and he sought to bestow his blessing upon me when he returned, but I had already passed."

_What was going on here?_

"So he arranged for your passage into Elysium?"

Prosymnus looked like he was burning up, despite no change in Elysium's ever-pleasant climate.

"Not exactly. I was sent to Asphodel, and--well, I heard Dionysus call to me, a-about his blessing--"

Theseus was confused and losing patience.

"How is that possible? Speak plainly, shepherd."

\---

_Theseus could not carve fig wood. But he knew someone who could._

Theseus made his way to Daedalus' workshop in Elysium with determined purpose, Asterius in tow. Smoke was rising from the forge's chimney- _-the craftsman was there._

Theseus gave a single, sharp knock before entering.

"Daedalus, I have a request--"

"No," Daedalus interrupted, without turning away from his work.

"You haven't even heard--"

"Is it about Dionysus?"

Theseus blushed furiously.

"You haven't even _heard-_ -" Theseus started again as if Daedalus hadn't spoken.

"I will not carve one of Dionysus' trinkets for you or for anyone else in Elysium."

"Why _not?_ "

Daedalus threw his hands up and shook his head, as if it were obvious. His gaze fell on Asterius and his resolve seemed even more absolute.

" _No._ "

Theseus let out an indignant huff and turned on his heel.

"Then our business here is concluded," Theseus said, raising his chin. "Let's go, Asterius. Daedalus is _not_ the only artisan in Elysium."

\---

_Daedalus was the only artisan in Elysium._

_Theseus would go to the source, then._

He gathered bottles of Ambrosia from his victories as Champion, fruit and honey from the gardens--Theseus even drew a blade across his palm to show Dionysus his devotion.

_Dionysus would listen, despite the terms they'd left on. Was it truly Theseus' fault that he did not love Ariadne? Dionysus gained a wife, did he not?_

_Surely, Dionysus would forgive Theseus the folly of his youth and grant him this blessing?_

Dionysus heard him, impressed by his plight and his offering. Theseus would have what he was after.

\---

Dionysus was retelling his trial from the surface to the deities of Olympus: the crossing of the uncrossable lake with the kind shepherd, Dionysus' brave rescue of his mother, and--the Olympians' favorite--its conclusion. The audience of gods was rapt.

"--and when I had it inside me, on his burial site--I really did feel like we were connected in that moment. I could feel his spirit."

Aphrodite nodded, silent tears falling down her cheeks. She leaned over to Hephaestus and whispered in his ear and he left without a word, returning moments later with a hand axe, heading towards the fig grove.

"Is that why the boss and I took him up to Elysium?" Hermes said.

Dionysus nodded, emotion threatening to overcome him. Aphrodite reached out to touch his forearm, so moved by the notion.

"His soul ascended because you penetrated yourself on his burial site?" Athena said, disgust in her voice.

"I think it's beautiful," Aphrodite said.

"So...why are you carving another one?" Hermes asked, gesturing to Dionysus' newest creation.

"Ah, well, I hear these are becoming quite the talk of Elysium," Dionysus answered, admiring his handiwork. "Listen, I think we can all agree that we dislike Theseus--"

The gods nodded.

"--but he has made such a generous offering in my name. He says he would like to replicate the ritual with the bull-man of Crete."

Aphrodite grinned, leaning forward.

"Oh? Theseus and the Bull of Minos, you say?"

\---

"Delivery for you, Champion!”

A crate dropped with a soft thud at Theseus' feet; he barely saw the blur of orange as Hermes sped past. The package had the seal of Olympus, along with another sigil he knew just as well.

_Dionysus._

Asterius looked at him quizzically from across the training grounds.

"What is it, King?"

"We should be done sparring for the day and retire to our quarters at once," Theseus answered, hefting the crate up onto his shoulder.

Asterius tilted his head and let out an amused snort.

"As you wish, King."

Asterius followed; Theseus didn't seem alarmed or frightened, like this box contained some horror. He also seemed to know its contents--Asterius could not say the same.

Theseus was already undoing the straps of the box when Asterius arrived in their bedchambers. It was odd and intricately carved with symbols Asterius didn't recognize as letters or words.

"Is this...from the surface?"

"It is, indeed! From Olympus itself, Asterius!"

Asterius couldn't have guessed what it was given unlimited time, but once he laid his eyes on Theseus' gift from the gods; it seemed obvious.

_They had both heard the rumors of Prosymnus and Dionysus. The visit to Daedalus made sense now, as did Daedalus' refusal, as did the subsequent gathering of fruit from the gardens._

Asterius also knew whose likeness this gift was modeled after, for it was his own.

\---

Theseus said another prayer to Lord Dionysus; his work was impeccable. Theseus had described Asterius' length down to the most extraneous detail and Dionysus had done a wonderful job rendering his request in fig wood.

"Oh, Asterius! Lord Dionysus has answered my prayers!"

Asterius snorted.

"What do you mean to do with this blessing, King?"

 _The possibilities were endless!_ Theseus had fantasized about the act since he'd spoken with Prosymnus-- _oh, to be penetrated by Asterius and his replica at the same time!_

Theseus tested the weight in his hands, admiring its heft. _Oh, yes. This would do nicely._

"So _many_ things, dear Asterius," Theseus said with a fiendish grin.

The minotaur tilted his head, considering his king and the uncanny replica Theseus held in his hands. Asterius reached out to run his fingers along the smooth wood, tracing its familiar lines.

Theseus looked rapt, watching his fingers with interest. Asterius saw how he was being affected and kept touching the wood as if it were his own.

_Theseus had been brought to screaming ecstasy from being penetrated by this exact form--was it so odd that Asterius would like to experience the same?_

_They had not been sharing their beds for long, but Asterius' role seemed established: Theseus would receive, and encouraged Asterius to take his pleasure from him._

_But surely Theseus would be agreeable to something Asterius would readily do in return. He would just need to ask._

_A daunting task, however titillating its possibilities._

"We are not in the baths, Asterius. You've no reason to be shy; there is no one here but the two of us," Theseus leaned against Asterius and gazed up at him.

Theseus wrapped his hand around Asterius', both of them pleasuring the wooden phallus.

"What would you have us do?" Theseus murmured, pressing a kiss to Asterius' chest.

_How was he to ask for such a thing? Theseus always did it so easily. He always knew how to voice his desires and didn't question them._

_What would Theseus say?_

"I want to feel it in me, King," Asterius blurted.

Theseus' eyes went wide.

"A lovely idea."

\---

Theseus' mind was flooded with new fantasies: the bull moaning for him, Theseus showing him how good Asterius' cock was for pleasure using Dionysus' re-creation-- _oh, Asterius._

Theseus had assumed-- _foolishly-_ -that the minotaur would not desire this kind of pleasure, that he would see it as the closed-minded among the Greeks did: an act of submission, something near-dishonorable.

Of course Asterius did not share the opinions of simpletons such as those. Perhaps he would make an offering to Aphrodite for sending him a companion that suited him so perfectly.

Theseus leaned up to kiss Asterius' chin, grinning.

"You continue to amaze me," Theseus said, against Asterius' neck. "I will satisfy you, Asterius. I will give you everything."

_Theseus was no sloppy Trojan soldier, no fumbling amateur. He was a king. He would show Asterius the very best Elysium had to offer._

Asterius undid Theseus' belt and let it fall to the ground. Theseus tossed the wooden phallus on the bed to focus his attention on undoing Asterius' clothes in turn.

Asterius was still not entirely comfortable being nude in front of Theseus, despite Theseus' consistent enthusiasm.

This encounter was no different; Theseus was pressing his lips to every inch of skin as he undressed Asterius, kneeling in front of him to ostensibly help him out of his chiton, but more so to kiss Asterius' thighs and give attention to his hardening cock.

Theseus' mouth was always Asterius' undoing and seemed also to be a favorite of Theseus', pleasuring him this way. He took his time running his tongue along Asterius' length, kissing and brushing his lips across the sensitive skin. Theseus slid his hands around Asterius' thighs to squeeze and spread him; his attention on Asterius' cock never ceasing.

_Ah, Gods--_

Asterius felt Theseus rub his fingers against him then, sending a shiver of pleasure through him. Theseus smiled up at him.

"Shall we move to the bed and get some oil, darling Asterius?" Theseus said, still teasing Asterius with his fingers.

Asterius nodded.

Theseus watched with hunger as Asterius laid out on his back. Theseus had taken many partners in his life and afterlife, but none moved him quite like Asterius did. He had yet to admit to Asterius, and sometimes even to himself, how completely he had fallen in love with him.

"The oil, Theseus?" Asterius asked, parting his legs and drawing his knees up. Hearing his name from Asterius' lips while he bared himself left Theseus even more hopelessly distracted.

Asterius' dark eyes pierced Theseus' and he felt breathless, scrambling for the vial.

Asterius was a natural, of course. He took Theseus' fingers easily, rocking himself down on them with quiet groans and sharp intakes of breath.

_Oh, how Theseus wanted to hear him. Asterius was still so shy in their lovemaking--Theseus would draw him out, with Dionysus' help._

"Do you want more?"

Asterius nodded, panting.

Theseus slicked Dionysus' boon with oil and teased Asterius' entrance, circling the smooth wood against muscle.

"I didn't hear you, Asterius."

Asterius had hooked a hand under his thigh to spread himself further, so obviously ready that Theseus was sure he'd actually said something. _Give it to me, please--please, King--_

"Asterius?"

" _Nnh,_ please, King--"

Theseus said another prayer to Aphrodite for bringing him a lover such as Asterius. He eased the toy into him, watching Asterius intently for any sign of discomfort. Asterius gasped and let out a whine, canting his hips up.

Theseus paused to let him adjust-- _it was his first time, after all, and Theseus knew how much he was to take_ \--and Asterius' eyes fluttered closed.

"Still all right?" Theseus stroked along Asterius' trembling thighs, keeping the toy still.

"You don't have to be so gentle, King," Asterius said, covering Theseus' hand with his own and pushing the phallus into him to its hilt. Theseus moaned.

_He would make an offering to Aphrodite more generous than she had ever seen before._

Asterius rocked against the toy, holding it flush against him with Theseus' hand. Asterius was breathing hard and Theseus could see his cock was leaking.

Theseus wondered if it was possible to pass out from arousal, as the sight was making him light-headed.

" _Gods_ , Asterius, look at you..." Theseus couldn't help himself; he reached out with his free hand to squeeze Asterius' length.

" _Theseus_ \--" Asterius groaned, drawing the toy out to drive it back in with another, louder groan.

Theseus took his hands away to grab the vial of oil again as Asterius set a steady pace with Dionysus' boon, watching Theseus intently.

Theseus dripped oil onto the wooden phallus and Asterius made a noise of approval, the added slickness making every slide of the toy even better. He closed his eyes and thrust into himself faster.

Each thrust sent jolts of pleasure through him; he understood why Theseus would sometimes cry out, would nearly sob when Asterius penetrated him.

Asterius felt Theseus straddle his lap and opened his eyes again to Theseus fingering himself.

 _Gods, he means to ride him._ Asterius whimpered at the thought and ran his free hand up Theseus' thigh, squeezing his hip. Theseus smiled down at him; he was flushed down to his chest.

"Are you enjoying Dionysus' offering, Asterius?" Theseus slicked Asterius' length with oil as he asked.

" _Yes_ ," Asterius answered, anticipation and overwhelming pleasure making his voice thick.

Theseus lowered himself onto Asterius' cock slowly; Asterius held the toy still as he did, the fullness in him and Theseus stretching around him making him bite his lip to stifle a moan.

"I would hear you, Asterius. We're alone, you can--I want you to--"

Asterius doubted he could hold back anyway, as Theseus started to roll his hips. _Oh, Gods_. Theseus reached a hand back to Asterius', urging him to thrust into himself as he was taking Theseus.

Asterius cried out and jerked his hips up, making Theseus moan appreciatively. _There it is_. Theseus braced himself on Asterius' chest and rode him in time with Asterius' thrusts of the toy.

" _Theseus, hah, ah--!_ "

"So good, you're so good, Asterius--"

Theseus dragged his blunt nails down Asterius' chest and rolled his hips down hard, making Asterius cry out again.

Asterius clutched Theseus' hip and thrust into him roughly-- _he was close and Theseus was, too_. Theseus jerked himself quickly, meeting Asterius' hips just as hard.

Asterius let out a harsh moan as he came; Theseus could feel Asterius still thrusting the toy into himself as he filled him. Theseus came so hard he thought he might wake up in the Styx.

Theseus ran both his hands over Asterius' chest after he started to come down, humming appreciatively. He circled his hips slowly and aftershocks of pleasure sparked through him. Asterius gazed up at him with his dark eyes and a surety rose in Theseus that he, for once, did not feel frightened of.

_He loved him. He loved him so much his heart ached. He crossed the depths of the Underworld to find him and he would do it again without hesitation. His soul was drawn to his. In death and in life, in the waking and dreaming world. Inextricably linked, always._

_Asterius._

"I love you," he breathed, as Asterius stroked his hip lightly.

Asterius' ear flicked and his eyes went wide; Theseus felt like he was in free fall, plunging towards unknown waters below.

"I love you, too," Asterius whispered, reaching up to touch Theseus' jaw. Theseus leaned down to kiss him, the sudden shift causing Asterius to slip out of him. Asterius huffed a breathy laugh and Theseus laughed too, kissing him again.

Theseus was thrumming with joy and relief, he felt giddy from the high of his afterglow and his love, spoken at last. _He would tell him again and again. Asterius needn't ever doubt Theseus' love, he would make certain of it._

_As long as Theseus existed, Asterius would know he was loved._

Theseus pressed kisses to Asterius' lips, his snout, his jaw--anywhere, everywhere.

Every kiss said to him: _I love you, I love you, I love you._

\---

**Author's Note:**

> Am I gay? Gay for the bull of Minos? You betcha!
> 
> [twidder!](https://twitter.com/peanuts_envy)


End file.
